This is my family. We wandered along the beach to watch the sunset for Christmas. We then got korean food takeout and watched sunday night football at home. It was perfect.
3 years later and she’s as hot as ever. Me - not so much.
Gloria’s Guide to Auto Repair
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you’ve been mildly wronged, say, at a car repair shop that told you the repair would be free, but ended up charging $55 for labor, start throwing a tantrum. Do not let your anger rise slowly, reach a flaming hot boil the moment you’re given the bill and sustain that anger to a degree that requires the receptionist to hover her finger over the 911 button throughout the duration of your stay at her counter. Tell her that if she really wants some help she better call your husband because he’s the only one with even the slightest chance of calming you down right now. And when she does call your husband, he’ll greet her in his calm, mild-mannered voice and then instruct her to just do whatever you want because there might be some serious physical and emotional consequences if she doesn’t comply. Your husband’s key piece of advice to this receptionist will be, “Look, you don’t understand my wife. I really don’t know what she might do before I can get down there.” As she puts the phone down, make it clear through body language that calling for help was futile, and the thin sliding pane of glass separating the two of you will soon shatter under the weight of your stare. Hell hath no fury like a woman overcharged for auto repair.
Be unreasonable. The ratio of your anger to the banality of the situation should be absurdly disproportioned. Make sure your sanity is in question. Let her know that you don’t have a problem with her personally and you know she’s just doing her job, then proceed to call her a ‘heifer’ and demand to know how many times her parents had to drop her on her big-ass head before she came out dumb enough to work as a receptionist at a car service and lube center. Cause a scene that the elderly couple behind you will never forget - even in their dementia. Give the people a story to tell. Make your anger legendary.
And most importantly, when the receptionist asks you to ‘please calm down,’ cock your head to the side, wide-eyed and say this verbatim:
“Calm down? Oh you haven’t even seen me. I will be on the news.”
This is the type of threat that could only come from a woman who has seen some serious shit and done even worse. A woman who has watched a litany of ghetto folk go apeshit on the 6 o’clock news and sees them as role models. A woman who is willing, ready, and able to commit a felony for principle because her mama didn’t raise no fool.
This woman is my sister-in-law and all of this happened at her local Volkswagen dealership on Friday. This is real life and the line “Oh you haven’t seen me. I will be on the news” is funnier and more poetic than anything fiction could ever come up with. I call her G-Unit because that’s her first initial and she has more thug in her upper lip than The Game and all his tattooed butt buddies combined. She’s a 98 pound kindergarten teacher from Atlanta, GA and she will be on the news.
Death and Praxis
I think about death a lot. Not really about the fear of dying or what happens after we die, but my own death and what it would mean. I never think about how I might die and rarely do I think about when, but I do agonize over my funeral. Who shows up, what words are spoken, what music is played. God I hope they laugh a lot. I wish I could orchestrate it all - not so much because I love a good funeral, but because on some not-so-deep a level I think I’m obsessed with how I’ll be remembered. I’m deathly afraid of being reduced to a boring label or one lame aspect of my life. I don’t want to be caricatured. What a self-absorbed twat I am for thinking of these things. It probably explains why I’ll never actually achieve anything great in life - too busy wanting, not enough doing.
But anyway…
Prior to my eventual death, I’d like to be crystal clear about a few things that may not be so obvious:
- For all the hate I pretend to harbor, I really do love people. Especially the honest ones. I love people who stay true to themselves and loyal to their friends. I would die for any one of these people and moreover, I would kill for them. Nothing is more important or valuable than a true friend and I consider myself immensely wealthy here.
- Beef jerky is awesome and no matter how much of it I eat before I die, I wish I’d had more.
- Of all the things I’ve wanted to do in life, the only non-diminishing dream I’ve ever had was to be a musician. It’s also my greatest source of fear and insecurity. This is both sad and disappointing, but perfectly normal for all of us living our lives at half-speed. Shame on us.
- Seriously, beef jerky in all flavors: peppered, sweet and spicy, teriyaki, some magical new brew that I haven’t even experienced yet, they’re all so awesome. Wherever I’m going next, I hope they have beef jerky.
- I’m not lazy; I’m just uninspired most of the time. Life is easy, living is hard.
- Trust me on the whole beef jerky thing, I’ve had other jerkys: deer, salmon, turkey, they’re not the same. There’s something about the texture and consistency of beef jerky that makes it far better than other jerkys. It’s an unparalleled chewing experience. My favorite part is how shards get stuck between your molars sometimes and the flavors kinda implant themselves into your mouth, kind of like an exclusive after-party just for the taste buds on the tip of your tongue.
Glad we’ve cleared that up.
A Face Among the Crowd by Jackie Greene
Seems like it was only yesterday Now that I’m a man and I’m fully grown Every time I look into the mirror I see you standing there I’ve been working hard most every night If you can keep your head and carry on I remember standing next to you
I was just a boy yearning to run
You always seemed so tall, uniform and all
Funny how some things they never change
I stand and face the world all by myself
If what they say is true: I’m a lot like you
Then I know we’re sharing more than just a name
Everyday I realize you’re more a part of me
I am but a face among the crowd
I hope i’ve made you proud
Hope I’m half the man you thought I’d be.
Singing all my songs under the spotlight
Sometimes it gets so rough
I feel I’ve had enough
But I recall the words you said to me
You can share your strength with those in need
You can watch it all cave in
Get up and build again
Why then you’ll be a man I do believe
To see how tall I grew
I remember falling down and scraping up my knee
I am but a face among the crowd
Hope I’ve made you proud
I hope I’m half the man you taught me to be
I missed my flight home from Atlanta. I get to be alone and introspective for the next 12hrs. Good thing I’m packed and prepared to avoid boredom: a small library of books, MBP for movies, iPhone for sanity, iPod for music, DS for tetris, and an army of anonymous passerbys to watch. Listening to Donny Hathaway sing Come Ye Disconsolate reminds me how great I have it: health, wealth, a plethora of gadgets and toys and a rad family to call my own. Gratitude is happiness. Happy 5-days-after shanksgiving!
