Jean Touitou, founder of A.P.C., every single line is quotable brilliance.

so, this is christmas

Tim Tebow believes everything he says. I know this because I used to be Tim Tebow. Well, not literally, of course, you dumbass. I mean I used to say the things Tim Tebow says and I used to believe the things Tim Tebow believes.

There’s a temptation among “non-believers” to lump all “believers” into a single category of “crazy religious people.” It’s actually quite easy and fun to do this, especially when the majority of religious people seem to fall so readily into the “crazy religious people” bin. You’ll know they’re genuinely crazy religious people when they take pride in being labeled as such and then proceed to picket military funerals or strap C4 around their belts and ride the bus. I’d like to suggest that this level of “crazy religious person” is actually quite far down the periphery of religious folk and Tebow is definitely not in their ranks.

Tim Tebow is passionate in his belief and love for Jesus. (I’m going for the Most Obvious Sentence of 2011 Award). Although this may be classified as crazy by some, it is not disingenuous. Tim Tebow is a devout, well-intentioned, evangelical Christian in the truest form. This is why he is so beloved. This is why he’s treated like Jesus Jr. within his community of faith and observed like a zoo animal by the rest of the godless horde.

While some may be dismissive of the idea, there actually is quite a large spectrum of belief and praxis within Christianity. The diversity of theology and culture is what makes the faith fascinating (to me, anyway), and what we’re seeing in Tim Tebow is a classic evangelical Christian. Evangelicals wear their God-lovin hearts on their sleeves. In theory, they don’t do it to show off or be prideful in their piety; they are up-front in their expressions of faith because they believe that Jesus is the most important thing they can offer the world. This is the underlying philosophy of short-term overseas mission trips: while clean water and food and a sustainable economic infrastructure are great, the Gospel is the most important thing I can give to my Third World neighbor. Jesus is the bread of life, not you know, actual bread.

So, when Tim Tebow says his annual summer trip to Dad’s orphanage in the Philippines is what makes him most happy, he means it. It is his adherence to a higher calling. It is living life in the most fulfilling way possible - the way Jesus would have done. Evangelicals believe it is their duty to be the hands and feet of God. That means everything they do, whether in word or in deed, is intended to honor the Almighty. As an Evangelical, everything matters: what I say, what I do, how I walk, how I dress, how I behave in front of Brent Musburger.

I’d bet a year’s salary that Tim Tebow has read or heard about a book called, The Prayer of Jabez. It’s a pocket-sized text based on the prayer of a little-known character in the Old Testament named Jabez who invoked a simple prayer: “’Oh that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain.’ And God granted his request.” Evangelicals interpret this prayer to mean, “bless me so that more people will be within my sphere of influence.” In other words, “God, help me be successful so others will look up to me and I can tell them all about You.”

Every time Tim Tebow wins a game, his territory is enlarged and when he mentions his faith or thanks God in an interview or Tebows after a game, he’s doing you a favor. He is sharing with you the most important message he knows. Like The Secret before The Secret. He may not be preaching to you directly and he may not be holding a bible study in your home, but he is bringing God into your conversation, and that honors Him. Tebow believes that his actions and expressions of faith, no matter how indirect they may be, will somehow compel you to be like him. The crazy thing? When you’re Tim Tebow, it works! Tebowing toes the line of irony because it’s often done in jest but is also a huge win for the evangelical Christian community. When was the last time words like “faith” and “God” have so dominated the dialogue of sports? Tim Tebow is God’s bulldozing hype man into the secular world.

When asked by reporters about his frequent conjuring of the Lord in interviews, Tim Tebow disarms the questioner by responding, “If you’re married, and you have a wife, and you really love your wife, is it good enough to only tell your wife that you love her on the day you get married? Or should you tell her every single day when you wake up and have the opportunity? That’s how I feel about my relationship with Jesus Christ.” While godless heathens like Chuck Klosterman are surprised by such a lucid reply (jk, CK, i love you, I’ve got all your books), it’s just one of many canned analogies Evangelicals are taught from an early age. There will be more, especially if you start questioning his beliefs. Tebow will explain the Trinity to you by comparing it to the 3 molecular phases of water (ice/water/steam=God/Jesus/Holy Ghost). Tebow will talk about the faith of Abraham and Job and he’ll encourage his teammates by reciting a proverb about iron sharpening iron. This is what a good Christian boy does, and he does it earnestly.

There are more “crazy religious people” within the Christian faith than I can shake a stick at; and at times, it seems the hypocrisy of the church knows no bounds. It’s the diversity of belief and culture that’s led to the proliferation of hundreds of denominations and the unbelievably asinine nature of “church drama,” but if all the in-fighting has honed one skill, it’s our ability to spot a fake. No one is faster to accuse a believer of hypocrisy or impure motives than a fellow believer. I’ll tell you this: no fellow believer doubts Tim Tebow’s motives. He’s criticized for being calculating and throwing religion in your face. Well, that’s because he is. That’s what he’s trying to do. In everything he does, whether in word or in deed, Tim Tebow wants you to look at him and think about Jesus. If Tim Tebow sold steak knives for a living, he’d be the same way. Except he’d be the “crazy religious steak knife guy.” Football is just what he happens to be doing now. He wants to win games and be the best quarterback of all time because it broadens his territory. His final destination is not money or fame or victory, they are means to an end: to hype Jesus on the biggest platform in America; ‘cause Elway ain’t done shit for Jesus.

Tim Tebow is modest about everything except his faith. That’s because he’s following the words of the Apostle Paul: “I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile” (Romans 1:16). In a world full of Jews and Gentiles, Tim Tebow is not ashamed and he’s not lying.

I knew the weed was kicking in when my fingers became cold. My body temperature was dropping and I felt my head bobbing back and forth with the motion of the bus. Not violently, but in a way that made my head feel about 3 pounds heavier.  

And then came the intense focus on listening. “I have super human hearing right now!” was the first thing I muttered when I was fully lit. I could hear everything: the drunken, murmuring up front, the three clowns arguing about nothing a few feet away, every word to Theophilus London playing in the background, the crunch of Fritos beneath someone’s feet. I was taking it all in. I wished my hearing would stay that way; listening with such clarity and focus. 

Everything was funny. Every insight, groundbreaking. Every moment deserved my undivided attention and love. I was hunched over with my arms crossed into my chest and just staring, listening to my terrific friends and being thankful. I kept making mental notes to remember how thankful I was to have such amazingly funny and entertaining friends, each with his own “classic” identity that amplified itself when inebriated, or at least when I was. I’d keep it together and giggle like mad every 2 minutes when someone would say or do something that so perfectly summed up who they were:

“I’m really feeling like opening these shades is what I wanna do right now. Yea guys, let’s open these shades and see the sun.”
He opens the shades and the rays of a perfect sunset splash in.
“Wow, this is the best idea I’ve ever had in my entire life. It’s such a beautiful sunset guys.”
Without missing a beat, someone yells from the back: “Shut the f*ck up.”
I laugh hysterically. So classic those guys! 

I wanted so badly to write on that bus, to remember what I was feeling and record my thoughts about the characters around me. I was high and freezing. My sense of hearing was incredible and moving proved to be overstimulating. So was eating. Someone tossed me a fun sized Snickers bar and it kicked my ass. Chocolate and nougat pounding away at the tip of my tongue. I raised my hand to get the attention of the drunken horde:
“Guys, this flavorful chocolate bar may have been a huge mistake on my part. It is just too intense for me right now. Please be careful.” 
We all laughed. I was hilarious.

While I kept climbing I became more still, listening harder. I was now picking up subtle changes in road noise and hearing the small rattle of a zipper from the luggage packed behind me. My vision was in tilt-shift, adjusting my focus as I listened in on a quiet conversation up front:

“I’m not f*cked up right now. I’m fine.”
“Yes, you are! Don’t lie!” I yelled across the bus.
Everyone’s head turned.
“Why are you listening in on our conversation motherf*cker? How did you even hear us from back there?”
“Cuz I told you, I can hear EVERYTHING right now motherf*ckers!!”
We all laughed. I was hilarious.  

It was fun while it lasted and it lasted a more than a few discomforting hours. Edibles are to be taken with caution, boys and girls. I think it’s real what they say about our true selves being revealed under the influence; in vino veritas. I suppose that means deep down I’m just a giggly bitch who loves his friends and wants to write about how great life is. What I miss the most, even more than the super human hearing, is the courage that comes with the high. Well, not so much courage as it is diminishing fear and insecurity. I needed a guitar and a mic on that bus. I played DJ without giving two shits what other people thought about the music I was playing. It was good enough for me. 

This is all stoner talk and I sound like an imbecile, but I swear I had some genuine bouts of clarity while I was high. I was happy and grateful and brave. I wanted to write and make music. I had deep empathy and compassion for the people around me, as flawed as we were. I was a funny sonuvabitch too. I’d like to think that’s who I really am. I’d also like to have the super human hearing back. Classic me. 

I really hope Fred has more of this ready to go for Portlandia season 2. 

So, last night’s Saints-Packers game was classic proof that I am indeed cursed. I’ve joked about it for years, and then the laughter turned to tears as I watched my Skins fail year after year after year. The curse is no joke and I’m gonna prove it now. 

I started a site to track all my NFL predictions and analyze what happens to them. I’ll probably make some gambling folks good money along the way. If you’re into the NFL or curious about my curse or like to bet on games or if you like anything that you enjoy then you’ll probably find this palatable: Cursed Bets

And now, a shameless self-aggrandizing excerpt: 

If you’re wrong, you’re wrong. How is it a curse?  

It’s not that I’m wrong, it’s how close I am to being right. Anybody can be wrong, but it takes a special kind of curse to string you along til the last possible second - only to be wrong in the end anyway. It’s a cruel suspense, but I’m sure it’s thrilling for the people who bet against me.

Game 1, week 1 of the 2011 season is a perfect example of my curse. The Saints were 4.5 point underdogs to the defending champion Packers. I took the Saints to cover in what I thought would be a close, high-scoring shootout. It was an incredible game: 2 TDs on special teams, Aaron Rodgers throws 3 TDs in the first quarter, Drew Brees lights it up in the second half. Down 27-42 in the 4th quarter, the Saints score with 2:15 left in the game to pull within 8. They fail to recover the onside kick. Green Bay ball at the Saints 45 and the defense only has one timeout. Game over, right? Nope! The Packers can’t convert on 3rd and 4 and are forced to punt with 1:05 to play. The punt is perfectly executed and it looks like they’ve pinned the Saints at their own 1 yd line. Game over, right? No, wait! The ref calls it a touchback - Saints ball at the 20. Drew Brees is in shotgun with 1:01 left and no timeouts. He throws 4 beautiful passes to drive the Saints down to the Green Bay 11. With :03 left in the game Brees drops back and throws a laser to the end zone - incomplete. Game over, right? No, wait! Pass interference on AJ Hawk! Saints ball at the 1 yd line! They’re gonna score! They’re gonna cover! The curse is lifted! Last play of the game with no time on the clock: Mark Ingram, halfback dive from the 1 yd line. Splat. Stonewalled. Game over, Packers win 42-34. After the game, Trey Wingo tweets: “76 points… and it takes a defensive stand from the one, on an UNTIMED play to seal it.” Profootballtalk can’t explain why Sean Payton, one of the most brazen playcallers in league history, lost his nerve on the Saints’ last chance.The curse lives on. 

Last night my wife and I were debating what position Madden would play on a football team. Then I got carried away thinking about who his teammates would be and spent the next few hours toiling over a roster. My wife moved on with her life. I love dogs. I love football. So, without further ado:

The Ultimate K9 Football Team
OFFENSE

Quarterback - Labrador Retriever
NFL doppelgänger: Peyton Manning 
The All-American. Highly intelligent breed with a passably athletic build and a winning personality. He’s already the most popular dog in the country. It all starts with the quarterback and I want someone steady and poised. A sure bet.

Running Back - German Shepherd
NFL doppelgänger: Walter Payton
There’s speed, there’s power, add in some ferocity and you’ve got yourself Sweetness. This was by far the toughest position to fill considering some dogs are built for speed, and others for power. In the end, the German Shepherd wins the job for his dedication to following orders: take the ball and score. Nothing can stop him.

Fullback - Bull Terrier
NFL doppelgänger: Mike Alstott
He may be stout and slightly undersized, but this dude is built to terrorize anything within 3 yards. Just look at his body, he can only move forward. It’s an under appreciated breed, typecast for its endorsements, but when I need something plowed over, the Bull Terrier will get the job done.

Left Tackle - St. Bernard
NFL doppelgänger: Jonathan Ogden
The big boy. The loyal protector of the franchise and anchor of the offensive line. He’s a gentle giant only cuz no one dares mess with him.

Left Guard - Shar Pei
NFL doppelgänger: Russ Grimm
Here come the wrinkly hogs. The Shar Pei was bred as a palace guard. Stocky, but maintains great economy of movement - perfect for pulling on those counter runs.

Center - Bull Mastiff
NFL doppelgänger: Nick Mangold
Big, smart and mean, that’s what you want. A dog who will fight to the death, but keeps it under control for the team. Also, doesn’t seem to mind having a labrador retriever touching his ass.  

Right Guard - Bloodhound
NFL doppelgänger: Leonard Davis
He may look lazy and slow (cuz he is), but the bloodhound is keenly observant and remembers everything - exactly what I want in a guard. He’ll sniff out the blitz every time.  

Right Tackle - Dogue de Bordeaux
NFL doppelgänger: David Stewart
He’s big and powerful with great balance. The Dogue de Bordeaux could probably play on either side of the ball. He’s got the athleticism to play tackle and a no nonsense attitude to go with his no nonsense look. 

Tight End - Scottish Deerhound
NFL doppelgänger: Tony Gonzalez
The flashiest hybrid position is fitting for the most recent winner of the Westminster Dog Show. Size, speed and an impressive wingspan. Something tells me he’s got hops too. 

Wide Receiver - Greyhound
NFL doppelgänger: Randy Moss
Was there ever any question? You put the tall, fast guys on the edges and let em run. The Greyhound is the fastest dog on the planet and he’s got more than enough diva quality for the position too.

Wide Receiver - Weimaraner
NFL doppelgänger: Andre Johnson
Still fast, still deadly, but more of an underrated possession receiver. The Weimaraner is sleek and quiet, but there’s plenty going on upstairs. Really high awareness ratings on this guy.

DEFENSE

Defensive End - Pitbull
NFL doppelgänger: Deacon Jones 
Not to perpetuate an unfair stereotype, but a Pitbull can get nasty if you let him. His reputation precedes him and strikes fear in every opponent. He’s the guy who gets his own corner in the locker room and his own edge on the field.

Defensive Tackle - Rottweiler
NFL doppelgänger: Warren Sapp
Big and nasty with a bad reputation for good reason. The Rottweiler does not give a damn who you are or what you do, he’s comin to get his. QBKILLA

Defensive Tackle - Cane Corso
NFL doppelgänger: John Randle
He’s got a loud bark and the muscles to back it up. The Cane Corso is gangsta and looks completely uncontrollable. Seriously, avoid eye contact.

Defensive End - Boxer
NFL doppelgänger: Bruce Smith
The technician. A dog with solid fundamentals and an understanding of how to use his body to get what he wants. The Boxer is quiet, tough and hardy - can’t ask for anything more from a D.E. 

Outside Linebacker - Alaskan Malamute
NFL doppelgänger: Junior Seau
A true athlete with surprising strength and speed. The Malamute looks like a ball of fluff but he’s all muscle underneath. Excellent with orders and I trust him to contain whatever comes out of the backfield. 

Middle Linebacker - English Bulldog
NFL doppelgänger: Mike Singletary
Ok, more than a little biased here, but hear me out. For an inside linebacker in a 4-3 defense, tenacity and tackling ability are much more important than size and speed. The bulldog is built tough, can squeeze into the A gap unnoticed and most importantly, will never ever give up on a play. Plus, he’s my son and he gets to start cuz he’s special.

Outside Linebacker - Siberian Husky
NFL doppelgänger: Lawrence Taylor
Is it a dog or is it wolf? He seems a bit unstable and more than a bit wild; he looks like he might revert back to whatever species it was he evolved from. The Siberian Husky has seen some rough shit (in Siberia, duh) and he’s an intimidating physical specimen. He’ll play just fine in space.

Cornerback - Pointer
NFL doppelgänger: Rod Woodson
The ball hawk. Once the Pointer has the ball in his sights/nostrils, it’s over. The Pointer has excellent hands and a great motor, but lacks the speed to play offense. He makes up for it by sticking to receivers like the loyal hunting dog he is. 

Free Safety - Dalmatian
NFL doppelgänger: Ed Reed
Everyone knows the Dalmation, but few appreciate how special he is. Fast, athletic and easily trained, the Dalmation is extremely obedient but unafraid to improvise when the situation is right. He stalks the entire field and is well-suited to be the last defender.

Strong Safety - Bernese Mountain Dog
NFL doppelgänger: Troy Polamalu
Strong and sturdy up front with sound fundamentals, the Bernese Mountain Dog can play up with the front 7 or play back in coverage with ease. His territorial qualities make him an ideal zone coverage safety. Also, big hair.

Cornerback - Doberman Pinscher
NFL doppelgänger: Deion Sanders
Go ahead, look at him -that’s what he wants. Have you ever seen a Doberman that wasn’t shiny and sharp? The Doberman is fast and ferocious and the most likely member of the team to appear in a Snoop Dogg video. 

Kicker - Australian Cattle Dog
NFL doppelgänger: Morton Andersen
The specialist. He can do one thing and one thing only. Don’t ask him to tackle or throw or catch, just ask him to do his one job and the Cattle Dog will do it obsessively. He’s used to being with the guys without really being one of the guys.

Punter - Schnauzer
NFL doppelgänger: Jeff Feagles
Ok, punters are a little… different. They do their own thing, never have the opportunity to singlehandedly win a game (though they can lose it) and usually play in the league until they’re old enough to grow massive schnauzer-like gray beards. 

Head Coach - Border Collie
NFL doppelgänger: Bill Walsh
The mastermind. Too small to play, but smart enough to teach everyone else how. The Border Collie knows the rules better than anyone else and has just enough crazy eye to suggest he did nothing but gameplan and scheme all night. He’s definitely a players’ coach and he’s got a bit of the Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday thing going. 

Every species loves a little Mariachi

so, this is funny. 7 minutes in heaven with kristen wiig

I’d like to develop a new style of documentary/guerilla filmmaking that delivers immediate and lasting public humiliation against terrible people. Imagine watching a talking head documentary like Waiting for Superman or Hot Coffee build a case against a deplorable figure - maybe a politician or a lobbyist or a CEO. As we learn more and more about his awful behavior, it becomes clear that this person will likely never be brought to justice. He is too rich, his friends too powerful, and special interest groups have been installing shitty legislation on his behalf for decades now. As the case begins to feel hopeless and the victims appear ever helpless, we cut to a scene in front of the greedy/awful/pervert/asshole’s house and a 285lb UFC champ rings the doorbell. The asshole cracks open the door and is immediately choke slammed and beaten beyond recognition by the champ. Ground and pound on the Welcome mat.

If the show were on Fox we could call the series “F*cked Up!” a nice little double entendre that captures what the asshole did to others and what eventually happens to his face by the end of the show. If violence is too brutal, maybe we pelt the asshole with eggs and tomatoes for an hour or so, OR we could always have some huge dude (perhaps said UFC Champ) bang his mom while he watches. Some form of irreparable damage to the ego that he will never live down. No chance for backroom deals or secret arbitration rulings, let’s watch this piece of shit get his. 

Traditional documentaries are great at getting the word out and raising awareness, but I’m craving swift justice. Surely there are legal ways to shame and humiliate someone beyond repair. Who’s got ideas?

I wish every ad was this.

sometimes this happens

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you’ve been mildly wronged, say, at a car repair shop that told you the repair would be free, but ended up charging $55 for labor, start throwing a tantrum. Do not let your anger rise slowly, reach a flaming hot boil the moment you’re given the bill and sustain that anger to a degree that requires the receptionist to hover her finger over the 911 button throughout the duration of your stay at her counter. Tell her that if she really wants some help she better call your husband because he’s the only one with even the slightest chance of calming you down right now. And when she does call your husband, he’ll greet her in his calm, mild-mannered voice and then instruct her to just do whatever you want because there might be some serious physical and emotional consequences if she doesn’t comply. Your husband’s key piece of advice to this receptionist will be, “Look, you don’t understand my wife. I really don’t know what she might do before I can get down there.”  As she puts the phone down, make it clear through body language that calling for help was futile, and the thin sliding pane of glass separating the two of you will soon shatter under the weight of your stare. Hell hath no fury like a woman overcharged for auto repair. 

Be unreasonable. The ratio of your anger to the banality of the situation should be absurdly disproportioned. Make sure your sanity is in question. Let her know that you don’t have a problem with her personally and you know she’s just doing her job, then proceed to call her a ‘heifer’ and demand to know how many times her parents had to drop her on her big-ass head before she came out dumb enough to work as a receptionist at a car service and lube center. Cause a scene that the elderly couple behind you will never forget - even in their dementia. Give the people a story to tell. Make your anger legendary. 

And most importantly, when the receptionist asks you to ‘please calm down,’ cock your head to the side, wide-eyed and say this verbatim:

“Calm down? Oh you haven’t even seen me. I will be on the news.” 

This is the type of threat that could only come from a woman who has seen some serious shit and done even worse. A woman who has watched a litany of ghetto folk go apeshit on the 6 o’clock news and sees them as role models. A woman who is willing, ready, and able to commit a felony for principle because her mama didn’t raise no fool.

This woman is my sister-in-law and all of this happened at her local Volkswagen dealership on Friday. This is real life and the line “Oh you haven’t seen me. I will be on the news” is funnier and more poetic than anything fiction could ever come up with. I call her G-Unit because that’s her first initial and she has more thug in her upper lip than The Game and all his tattooed butt buddies combined. She’s a 98 pound kindergarten teacher from Atlanta, GA and she will be on the news.