Dogs Playing Football
Last night my wife and I were debating what position Madden would play on a football team. Then I got carried away thinking about who his teammates would be and spent the next few hours toiling over a roster. My wife moved on with her life. I love dogs. I love football. So, without further ado:
The Ultimate K9 Football Team
OFFENSE
Quarterback - Labrador Retriever
NFL doppelgänger: Peyton Manning
The All-American. Highly intelligent breed with a passably athletic build and a winning personality. He’s already the most popular dog in the country. It all starts with the quarterback and I want someone steady and poised. A sure bet.
Running Back - German Shepherd
NFL doppelgänger: Walter Payton
There’s speed, there’s power, add in some ferocity and you’ve got yourself Sweetness. This was by far the toughest position to fill considering some dogs are built for speed, and others for power. In the end, the German Shepherd wins the job for his dedication to following orders: take the ball and score. Nothing can stop him.
Fullback - Bull Terrier
NFL doppelgänger: Mike Alstott
He may be stout and slightly undersized, but this dude is built to terrorize anything within 3 yards. Just look at his body, he can only move forward. It’s an under appreciated breed, typecast for its endorsements, but when I need something plowed over, the Bull Terrier will get the job done.
Left Tackle - St. Bernard
NFL doppelgänger: Jonathan Ogden
The big boy. The loyal protector of the franchise and anchor of the offensive line. He’s a gentle giant only cuz no one dares mess with him.
Left Guard - Shar Pei
NFL doppelgänger: Russ Grimm
Here come the wrinkly hogs. The Shar Pei was bred as a palace guard. Stocky, but maintains great economy of movement - perfect for pulling on those counter runs.
Center - Bull Mastiff
NFL doppelgänger: Nick Mangold
Big, smart and mean, that’s what you want. A dog who will fight to the death, but keeps it under control for the team. Also, doesn’t seem to mind having a labrador retriever touching his ass.
Right Guard - Bloodhound
NFL doppelgänger: Leonard Davis
He may look lazy and slow (cuz he is), but the bloodhound is keenly observant and remembers everything - exactly what I want in a guard. He’ll sniff out the blitz every time.
Right Tackle - Dogue de Bordeaux
NFL doppelgänger: David Stewart
He’s big and powerful with great balance. The Dogue de Bordeaux could probably play on either side of the ball. He’s got the athleticism to play tackle and a no nonsense attitude to go with his no nonsense look.
Tight End - Scottish Deerhound
NFL doppelgänger: Tony Gonzalez
The flashiest hybrid position is fitting for the most recent winner of the Westminster Dog Show. Size, speed and an impressive wingspan. Something tells me he’s got hops too.
Wide Receiver - Greyhound
NFL doppelgänger: Randy Moss
Was there ever any question? You put the tall, fast guys on the edges and let em run. The Greyhound is the fastest dog on the planet and he’s got more than enough diva quality for the position too.
Wide Receiver - Weimaraner
NFL doppelgänger: Andre Johnson
Still fast, still deadly, but more of an underrated possession receiver. The Weimaraner is sleek and quiet, but there’s plenty going on upstairs. Really high awareness ratings on this guy.
DEFENSE
Defensive End - Pitbull
NFL doppelgänger: Deacon Jones
Not to perpetuate an unfair stereotype, but a Pitbull can get nasty if you let him. His reputation precedes him and strikes fear in every opponent. He’s the guy who gets his own corner in the locker room and his own edge on the field.
Defensive Tackle - Rottweiler
NFL doppelgänger: Warren Sapp
Big and nasty with a bad reputation for good reason. The Rottweiler does not give a damn who you are or what you do, he’s comin to get his. QBKILLA
Defensive Tackle - Cane Corso
NFL doppelgänger: John Randle
He’s got a loud bark and the muscles to back it up. The Cane Corso is gangsta and looks completely uncontrollable. Seriously, avoid eye contact.
Defensive End - Boxer
NFL doppelgänger: Bruce Smith
The technician. A dog with solid fundamentals and an understanding of how to use his body to get what he wants. The Boxer is quiet, tough and hardy - can’t ask for anything more from a D.E.
Outside Linebacker - Alaskan Malamute
NFL doppelgänger: Junior Seau
A true athlete with surprising strength and speed. The Malamute looks like a ball of fluff but he’s all muscle underneath. Excellent with orders and I trust him to contain whatever comes out of the backfield.
Middle Linebacker - English Bulldog
NFL doppelgänger: Mike Singletary
Ok, more than a little biased here, but hear me out. For an inside linebacker in a 4-3 defense, tenacity and tackling ability are much more important than size and speed. The bulldog is built tough, can squeeze into the A gap unnoticed and most importantly, will never ever give up on a play. Plus, he’s my son and he gets to start cuz he’s special.
Outside Linebacker - Siberian Husky
NFL doppelgänger: Lawrence Taylor
Is it a dog or is it wolf? He seems a bit unstable and more than a bit wild; he looks like he might revert back to whatever species it was he evolved from. The Siberian Husky has seen some rough shit (in Siberia, duh) and he’s an intimidating physical specimen. He’ll play just fine in space.
Cornerback - Pointer
NFL doppelgänger: Rod Woodson
The ball hawk. Once the Pointer has the ball in his sights/nostrils, it’s over. The Pointer has excellent hands and a great motor, but lacks the speed to play offense. He makes up for it by sticking to receivers like the loyal hunting dog he is.
Free Safety - Dalmatian
NFL doppelgänger: Ed Reed
Everyone knows the Dalmation, but few appreciate how special he is. Fast, athletic and easily trained, the Dalmation is extremely obedient but unafraid to improvise when the situation is right. He stalks the entire field and is well-suited to be the last defender.
Strong Safety - Bernese Mountain Dog
NFL doppelgänger: Troy Polamalu
Strong and sturdy up front with sound fundamentals, the Bernese Mountain Dog can play up with the front 7 or play back in coverage with ease. His territorial qualities make him an ideal zone coverage safety. Also, big hair.
Cornerback - Doberman Pinscher
NFL doppelgänger: Deion Sanders
Go ahead, look at him -that’s what he wants. Have you ever seen a Doberman that wasn’t shiny and sharp? The Doberman is fast and ferocious and the most likely member of the team to appear in a Snoop Dogg video.
Kicker - Australian Cattle Dog
NFL doppelgänger: Morton Andersen
The specialist. He can do one thing and one thing only. Don’t ask him to tackle or throw or catch, just ask him to do his one job and the Cattle Dog will do it obsessively. He’s used to being with the guys without really being one of the guys.
Punter - Schnauzer
NFL doppelgänger: Jeff Feagles
Ok, punters are a little… different. They do their own thing, never have the opportunity to singlehandedly win a game (though they can lose it) and usually play in the league until they’re old enough to grow massive schnauzer-like gray beards.
Head Coach - Border Collie
NFL doppelgänger: Bill Walsh
The mastermind. Too small to play, but smart enough to teach everyone else how. The Border Collie knows the rules better than anyone else and has just enough crazy eye to suggest he did nothing but gameplan and scheme all night. He’s definitely a players’ coach and he’s got a bit of the Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday thing going.
The Consoler
(Source: amnemonic)
- Reblogged from fuckyeahbulldog
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“Take one more picture. I double dog dare you.”
Random ‘Of The Year’ List
- greatest album of all time of the year: my beautiful dark twisted fantasy - kanye west
- worst season: Sunday afternoons October - December
- worst part of making a list: not remembering anything that happened from january-october
- best movie: social network
- best movie that still holds up years later: best in show
- most random movie we took the kids to watch: nanny mcphee 2
- movie i regret seeing in theaters, although it wouldn’t make a bad rental: robin hood
- song i wish i’d written: fuck you - cee lo green
- song i really wish i’d written: baby - justin bieber
- best sounding album: treats - sleigh bells
- oddest real-life occurrence: advancing my career while working from home
- trend most-likely to stick with me forever: lowercase letters
- most shocking passage of time measure: in rainbows was released 3 years ago
- best growing trend: social businesses and progressive charities
- funniest moment: madden doing anything
- funniest moment unrelated to the dog: laughing about something with some people
- time of unadulterated happiness: will-britt proposal
- best short-lived joy that turned into despair: week 1, holding on alex barron
- people i wish would disappear forever: sarah palin. chris brown. colin cowherd. that guy who honked at me yesterday when I was parking.
- person i’d like to clone: jon stewart
- phrase i wanted to use more but never got around to: ‘don’t get it twisted’
- most significant thing that did not happen: baby
- biggest revelation: portland is beautiful and i wanna live there
- most important revelation: portland is beautiful when it’s not raining. it rains a lot. i don’t wanna live there.
- best drink: arnold palmer
- best drank: glenfiddich, 15yr
- worst drink: trader joe’s sweet tea
- favorite tumblr: christian nightmares
- iphone app: instapaper!
- biggest annoyance: laundry
- pet peeve: cash-only businesses
- most beautiful sight: this one
- new addiction: mad men
- best reprise of an old addiction: tumblr
- what i don’t miss: pastoring
- worst person: the old lady who pushed me at in-n-out burger thinking i was rushing to cut in line when i was totally just running back in cuz they messed up my order
- word: good
- best traffic avoidance move: taking yermo road on the way home from vegas
- best pleasant surprise: my wife enjoys cooking. who knew?
- unsurprising development: i still hate chores
- best purchase: roomba
- worst decision: eating at that one italian place at glendale americana. that place sucked.
- best people: the creatives who write/call/tweet back
- best picture: this one
- worst regret: not going to the beach more
- lesson learned: ‘there are no rules’ is still a rule
My facebook profile picture brought me great joy today. This is a handy little tutorial from Seth Sandler using photoshop or gimp.
My favorite vid of Madden to date
